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| An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"
The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!" |
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| Q. Why did it take the monster ten months to finish a book? A. Because he wasn't very hungry |
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
Groundbeef. |
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| An Italian, a Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while.
I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand."
So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese-a
fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and says, And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Irishman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither."
The foreman is really angry now.
He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
"SUPPLIES!! |
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| An Italian, a Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while.
I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand."
So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese-a
fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and says, And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Irishman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither."
The foreman is really angry now.
He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
"SUPPLIES!! |
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What has 90 balls and screws little old ladies?
Bingo. |
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| A ventriloquist is doing a show in a small club. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through some dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!'' |
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| A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"
"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives." |
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| Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't. |
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| A man walks by a church and notices a funeral going on. He also notices a mourner with a large Doberman dog. Curious, the man walks up to the mourner and asks him who the funeral is for.
It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."
"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the man. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"
The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line." |
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| How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. |
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| An old man goes into a confession booth and tells the priest," Father, I'm eighty years old, married, have four kids and eleven grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two eighteen-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you came to confession?"
"Never, Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!" |
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| What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck. |
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| What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck. |
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| Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!" |
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| Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!" |
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| What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A vampire? Frostbite. |
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| One afternoon a carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," the carpet layer said to himself. So, he got out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet." |
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| Three men were lost in the forest and later captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 pieces of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather some.
The first man came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the second step of the trial to him. First, he had to shove the fruits up his ass without any expression on his face, or he would be eaten. The first apple went in, but when he tried the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second man arrived and showed the king that his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to the second man, he secretly thought to it would be easy to shove the berries up his ass. On the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, so he was also was killed and went to heaven.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"
The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden the third guy showed up with all those watermelons!" |
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| A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.
"That's it, I can never remember that word." |
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| A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts." |
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| A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts." |
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| A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts." |
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| A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00! |
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| From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that man... and why is he so upset?" a passenger asks the ship's captain.
"I have no idea," says the captain; "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy." |
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| A man is on his deathbed. He confides to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."
His wife looks at him calmly and says, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?" |
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| Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?" |
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| A reporter is interviewing a 104 year-old woman. He turns to her and says, "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She simply replied, "No peer pressure." |
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| A reporter is interviewing a 104 year-old woman. He turns to her and says, "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She simply replied, "No peer pressure." |
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| A husband and wife are in the middle of a fight. Wife says to her husband, " You also hate my relatives! The husband yells back, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine." |
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| A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man."I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again." |
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| A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man."I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again." |
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| Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge |
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| What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it? |
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| Why'd the couple stop after 3 children?
Because they heard every fourth child born is Chinese. |
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Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One. |
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| Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the husband
collapsed in a chair and let out a disgusting belch.
"That's it George! I've had it this time!" his wife screamed.
"I'm cutting you off forever."
"That's impossible," he replied. "You don't even know where
I'm getting it."
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| A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey." |
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| A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 . |
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| At a pharmacy, a woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.
The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
"It won't work," countered the woman.
"Why not?" asked the clerk.
"I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt." |
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| It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.
He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.
He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."
So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!" |
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| Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf. |
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| Old man to young man-
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. |
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| What do Viagra And Theme Parks have in common? They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!! |
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A Christian was thrown into the Coliseum with a lion. Terrified, he fell on his knees and started praying. AT the same time the lion dropped down on its knees and started praying, too.
The Christian, overjoyed, exclaimed, "Thank God! Another Christian!"
The lion replied, "I don't know about you, but I was just saying grace." |
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| Two men are changing in the gym locker room. One puts on a bra. The other asks "When did you start wearing that?" The man replies "Since my wife found it on the back seat of my car." |
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| A man walked into a bar and ordered one shot. He looked into his shirt pocket and then ordered another.
After he finished, he looked into his shirt pocket again and ordered another shot.
The bartender grew curious and asked him, "Why do you look in your shirt pocket every time you finish a drink?"
The man replied, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home." |
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| An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice on how to lose weight. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. He promised that this would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed her doctor's advice, and was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds in thirty days. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice he gave.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "So, now that I'm 300 miles away...how do I get home?" |
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| On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that read "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms. |
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| Little five year old Johnny got lost at a county fair, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The concerned policeman asked, "What's he like?"
Johnny replied, "Beer and women!" |
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| One day, a Sunday school teacher asked her students, "Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." |
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| A man frustrated with women happened to die and go to Heaven. He got to meet the Maker himself, and asked God if he could ask him a few questions.
"Sure," God said, "Go right ahead".
"Ok," the man began. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
"So you would like them," God replied.
"Ok," the guy continued. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", God answered.
The man pondered this for a moment and then asked, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
God replied, "So they would love you!" |
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| Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: Because you do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit! |
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| One day, a blonde who had always heard about ice fishing, decided to try it. She went to an icy area, cut a hole, and started fishing. All of a sudden, she heard an angry voice yell, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She ignored it and moved to another area, cut another hole, and began to fish again. She heard the same booming voice repeat itself, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!"
She started getting freaked out by the voice. "Lord?" She asked, looking up at the heavens, scared. "Is that you?"
In reply she heard, "NO, I AM THE SKATING RINK MANAGER!" |
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| A car with three college professors was driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled the professors over, and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous.
The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman explained that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20.
Somewhat embarrassed, the professor apologized and promised to be more observant.
As the policeman turned to walk back to his car, he noticed the other two professors on the floor of the car...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, "What's wrong with them?"
The driver replied, "We just turned off of Highway 105." |
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| Just before takeoff, a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali and asked him to fasten his seat belt.
"Superman don't need no seat belt!" Ali growled.
"Well, Superman don't need no airplane," the flight attendant replied. |
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| A man was talking to his bride-to-be about his previous marriages.
"Is this really your third marriage?" His fiancee' inquired.
"Sure is," the man answered.
"What happened to your first two wives?" she asked.
"They died," he answered.
"Oh, I'm so sorry. How did your first wife die?" asked the fiancee'.
"She ate some poisonous mushrooms," answered the man.
"What about your second wife?" the curious fiancee' asked.
"She died from a severe skull fracture." He responded.
"How did she get a severe skull fracture?" she wondered.
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms," the man calmly replied. |
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| Two old farmers met at their local town hardware store on Saturday.
"Had some problem with my herd," relayed the first farmer. "My prize bull was impotent. But the vet came and gave him some medicine; now he seems to be doing fine."
The following week, the two farmer friends met at the store again. "My bull had problems too," said the second farmer.
"What medicine did the vet prescribe?" the first farmer asked.
"I don't know," answered the second farmer, "But it tasted like chocolate." |
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| A newly married man, was talking to his still-single buddy.
The single friend stated, matter-of-factly, "Did you know that the shortest sentence in the English language is 'I am'.?
The newly married friend replied, "Do you know what the longest is? 'I do'." |
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| What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin out and throw it back. |
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| A couple was overwhelmed by the fact that they had six children, and could not always make them behave according to standing social etiquette.
One day, the frustrated father called his 6 children together and asked, "Now, tell me, who was most obedient last week, and did everything mother asked?"
In one voice, the children all replied, "You, Daddy!" |
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| Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the newlywed homeowners had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a carpenter.
One afternoon, the husband returned from work early and saw a plumber's truck in the driveway.
"Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "Please let my wife be having an affair." |
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| A man wrote a simple ad in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted."
The next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." |
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| A drunk guy was trying to unlock his front door. He was so unsteady, though, that every time he tried to get the key near the lock, he failed and swayed.
A gentleman came along and saw the frustration of the drunk guy. He offered to help him unlock the door.
Thanking the gentleman for his offer, the drunk guy responded, "Thanks, I can manage the key myself; you just hold on to this house, it seems to be shaky!" |
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| Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem. |
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| A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular hamburger meal. A few minutes later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices a small hair in his burger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back to the kitchen to watch the cook quietly. To the man's surprise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts." |
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| A man was driving down a quiet country road, when out of nowhere a rooster wandered into his path!
Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. The farmer appeared, looking at the man curiously.
The man nervously explained, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are 'round back." |
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| Little Billy was confused by a homework problem, so he asked his dad, "Daddy, will you please help me with my homework?"
"I'm sorry, Billy" replied Billy's father. "It wouldn't be right."
"Well, " Billy said, a bit put out, "at least you could try!" |
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| There were three friends sitting at a bar, when one got up to use the bathroom. The other two men started talking. The first man said, "So what's new in your life?"
The second man responded, "Well I just found out my son got a promotion. He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On top of that there's someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus!"
The first man said, "My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach."
By this time, the third man had returned from the bathroom. He looked upset so the other two men asked what was wrong.
He responded, "I just found out that my son is gay. But the good part is that his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on the beach!"
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| Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue. |
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| Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton were traveling together in the Midwest in a minivan.
A tornado came along and whirled their van up into the air, and tossed them thousands of yards away. When they came down and extracted themselves from the vehicle, they realized that they were in the land of Oz.
They decided to go to see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle said, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich said, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton said, "Where's Dorothy?" |
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| A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!"
"No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!" |
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| Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear. |
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| One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. He picked the ball up and put it in his pocket, since the ball appeared to be in fairly good condition, and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him.
"What do you have in your pocket?" she asked, smiling.
"Tennis ball," the man responded, smiling back.
"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!" |
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| Q: How many paranoid owls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why? Who who wants to know? |
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| Another one of the differences between older women and younger women:
Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes. |
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| One of the differences between older women and younger women:
An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night to ask you, "What are you thinking?"
An older woman doesn't care. |
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| A young man received his brand new driver's license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, so that the young man could take them for a ride for the first time. His father immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the passenger seat teaching me how to drive," the boy said to his father, beaming.
"Nope," the father replied, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!" |
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| What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs! |
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| What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, it won't come to you anyway! |
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| Two married men were standing in their front lawns, talking over their shared garden fence.
"Just think Joe, before I got married, I had thousands of faults I didn't even know about!" |
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| Q: What did the fish say when he bumped into a concrete wall?
A: Dam! |
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| Q: What does a battered wife do when she get's home from the hospital?
A: The dishes...if she knows what's good for her! |
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| There were two cows standing in a field, doing cow stuff.
After a while, one turned to the other and said, "This whole mad cow disease thing has me a little scared. What about you?"
The other cow responded, "Mad cow disease really doesn't affect us helicopters." |
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| A young couple had just gotten married. On the wedding night, the groom threw the bride a pair of trousers and said "Put these on!"
"I'll never fit into those!" the bride replied.
The groom responded, "So remember, I am the one who wears the pants in the relationship."
With this, the bride pulled off her panties and threw them at him. "Try these on then!"
"I can't get into those!" he exclaimed, holding up the tiny panties.
The bride said, "Keep that attitude, and you never will!"
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| A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me! I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asked"What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help her with the puzzle.
When he knocked on the door, she let him in, and showed him where she had the puzzle pieces spread out, all over the table.
He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box.
After a few moments, he turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee. Then, Let's put all these Frosties back in the box."
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| A man was driving up a steep, narrow mountain road, and a woman was driving down the same road in the opposite direction.
As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, "BITCH!!"
They each continued on their way, and as the man rounded the next corner, he crashed into a pig in the middle of the road.
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| Two blondes are standing on opposite banks of a wide stream, facing each other.
One yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"
The blonde on the other side replies, "You are on the other side!" |
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| Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers with Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.
"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."
"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.
"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie. |
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| Two men were out fishing, when they saw a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Sadly, it was a very low-level genie and could grant only one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.
With a poof! the wish was granted. Suddenly, one of the men got really angry, realization dawning on his face.
"Dammit! Now we have to pee in the boat!"
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| One day, while a woman was cleaning under her bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and $10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.
"Oh, that," her husband said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." The wife was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.
"But what about the 10,000 dollars?" the wife asked, still curious.
"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."
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| A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights in his rearview mirror.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself, and floored it. Once he hit 100 mph, the reality of the situation hit him. "What in the heck am I doing?" He thought to himself and pulled the car over.
The cop came up to him, took his license and registration without a word, and examined it. After a while the cop spoke. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like doing any more paperwork...so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"
The guy thought for a second then said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." The cop handed the man back his license and registration and left. |
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| A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy! What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," the doctor advises. "Take a deep breath and calm down."
The man does as the doctor advises.
"Now," the doctor says, "Tell me EXACTLY where Larry's bar is." |
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| A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of the Bayou. She desperately wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps: her mind set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was on his way home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in a swamp, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly towards her. She took aim, killed the creature and with great effort, hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched on in amazement. Finally, the blonde managed to flip the alligator on its back and looked pointedly at its feet. Frustrated, the blonde shouted out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
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| One day a Psychology professor was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.
"No sir," the student replied, "I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
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| A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem
doctor: every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
earsplitting yell."
"My dear," said the shrink, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she explained, "it wakes me up."
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| A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that S-O-B on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
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| A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class |
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The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said | | | |
